I was honestly going to skip this topic on the Blogmas because it is going to end up sounding depressing. However, in the spirit of keeping it real on my blog, I decided to tell a little of my story.
I loved Christmas growing up. My mom always decorated and baked and shopped. She hated wrapping but lucky for her I LOVED IT. I would wrap all the presents, even some of my own that were in plain boxes. I would pretend to work at one of those wrapping places in the mall and add beautiful bows, etc.
My mom always cooked a fancy meal for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Usually a big breakfast as well. We would have appetizers and prime rib and sometimes even broiled lobster. She was such an amazing cook.
My brother, who was already grown and out of the house, would come home and spend Christmas Eve at our house even though he only lived 16 miles away. After he was married that of course seemed silly but they were there pretty early in the morning for breakfast and the day's festivities.
Many of the traditions that I mentioned in yesterday's post are from my own childhood.
As I grew up and had my own family, Christmas day was still spent at my parent's house. We had the Christmas I accidentally set my self on fire (a story for another day), and lots of good, good memories.
But 14 years ago, 6 days before Christmas, my momma passed away. She died from cancer which had started in her breast and eventually spread to her brain. We decided to decorate her house for Christmas for her that year. Me and my oldest, who was a preschooler at the time, decorated her tree and couldn't wait to show her. We didn't expect the reaction we got....brain cancer changes a person like no other type of cancer. She was terrified of the tree and began to scream. We had to take it down immediately. Wow. 14 years later that image is still as vivid as the moment it happened. Not only for me, but also for my daughter. I have been sick on Christmas for the past 14 years. Every year I swear it is going to be different, but every year the emotions wash over me like flood. I have tried to explain it to people before, but most just don't get it. It is not the most wonderful time of the year for some people. I know my mom loved Christmas, I know she would not want me to become sad every year, I know I have children to think of. I know I miss my mom, I know Christmas reminds me of one of the saddest times of my life, and I know no one else quite gets it.
So this year, I will try again to be festive. I will wear my smile. I will continue to make great memories. But I will also need to lock myself away in my room for a little while to just cry. I will dread the lighting of the tree. I will make it through this season yet again.
So if you know someone who struggles at this time of year. Just give them an extra hug. We are all dealing with our battles in this journey called life.
I am thankful for a wonderful family that loves me. I am thankful for Jesus My Savior. And although I miss my mom, I am so blessed for all the years with her and all the wonderful Christmas's because of her.
Penny, thank you for your honesty. You are so right, it is not the most wonderful time of the year for a lot of people. Sadly, many of those people are left feeling guilt because they aren't walking around like happy elves. Sometimes crying is the best thing we can do at the moment. There is no shame in it. You are blessed to have such a loving family that allows you to have your emotions. I am sending you love and hugs. I wish we lived close to each other. We could go out for mexican food and margaritas.
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